Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Tip #38: The Gift of Time and Space

After reading a bunch of my Gothy romance tips, it dawned on me that most of the tips are about gifts and (as one individual put it) buying one's affections. Maybe that's true...although it was never my intent. So, with that said, I now present to you the elaborate gift of Time and Space! (Bonus: It's Free!!!)

Now, before you get all excited, you're not taking a trip through a worm-hole or a time-machine...although that would be cool. No, the gift of time and space is much more simple than that, however it has many layers and facets to it, so pay close attention!

Let's start with Time...

After watching a mind-numbing weekend marathon worth of the show Cheaters (who most believe the show is fake and scripted) on the G4 channel until my eyes actually bled from the sheer torture, I noticed a pattern amongst the doomed relationships...The element of time the couple spent together or, more importantly, apart from one another. You see, when a young couple are at the passionate/"honeymoon" phase, they want to spend every waking (and most times sleeping) moment together. The feeling and emotion of new love is indeed powerful and addictive; however, after a while, familiarity sets in and a rut usually begins to develop (I have a remedy in the Space section later me, this goes full circle) unless you apply any or most of my romance tips to keep the relationship fresh. What will happen is that one of the lovers will gradually spend time apart from the other, blaming various life obligations -- family, business, friends, etc. -- leaving the other starved for attention. This will ultimately lead to an affair or a break-up. It happens. Real life does intrude onto the romantic life at every opportune moment.

The gift of Time is to offer your lover a promised segment of time in your schedule that is devoted just for excuses! 10 minutes, 20 minutes, a half an hour, an hour, one day, a week...anything!!! Just simply set aside a period of time in which your loved one is the only reason for existence...forgoing any and all familial, personal, business, and friendship obligations. If you can't find the minimum amount of time to do this, then you do not deserve to be in a relationship! Break up with your partner ASAP and allow them to find someone who will, and make them happier. Point blank!

But...then must always remember that romance is a dance of "give and take," "push and pull," and "ups and downs." In that respect, too much time spent together also breeds too much familiarity and "lack of space"...another important factor within a long term committed relationship.

The gift of Space is actually very crucial within a Goth romance! It allows each partner to retain their individuality and self worth. Goths, by nature, are very privae and individual beings and in most cases, somewhat to very introverted. Sharing one's life completely might sound good on paper; however, too much commonality is not necessarily a good thing! In a proper Goth romance mystery, secrecy, and solitude (at a respectable level) is essential to maintaining the relationship as fresh and new...not to mention spicy!

Back in "ye olden days," amongst the aristocracy, it wasn't uncommon that a wedded couple slept in two different chambers. Sure, this allowed for many trysts with lovers on both sides, but it also prevented monotony by giving each lover his or her own space. Plus, seeing each other in the morning as a hot mess leaves little to the imagination. The adage of "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" applies to a great degree here. If your lover lacks space from you, he or she will start to feel suffocated and will want to crave a huge and immediate amount of space, generally resulting in a break-up.

So, here is the dilemma: How do you spend a lot of time with your lover while giving them the space they need to fully express themselves as an individual? Tricky, yes. Impossible, no. Here are a few suggestions to help you keep that delicate balance:

  • The most important one: Try to keep the times you are together as memorable as you can. Always strive to out do yourselves. Avoid falling into ruts! If you do, then mix it up. Try something different...remember this vital rule: if you want something to change in your relationship, first make a change yourself and the rest should follow suit. If it doesn't work to your favor the way you envisioned it, make another change again, up until you either have improved your relationship or all hope is lost in which you should go your separate ways.
  • The separate bedroom idea, I'll admit, is not such a bad idea if you live together and can afford it. Hear me out: Remember back when you were merely dating and spending time together at each other's place felt great and wonderful? That's because you each had your own space to return to...making your time together more special (starting to see the pattern here?).
  • Allow for nights when you go out with your friends and your lover goes out with theirs. This should happen at least once a month. And it's o.k. if you all run into each other at a party or event...act as if you are meeting for the first time and flirt with each other accordingly.
  • Give yourself a day in which you don't call, text, or email each other. Don't won't be the end of the world if you don't communicate for 24'll survive. 
  • Take separate vacations from one another. This one is either for a very new relationship that is not fully committed, or a very seasoned one that has reached a high level of trust. The trust factor is indeed set on high on this one. Good luck! (What happens in Transylvania, stays in Transylvania!)
  • Do activities separately, Movies, classes, trick or treating, shopping for clothes, etc., and then do those same types of activities together!
The idea here is to simply enjoy the time you spend together while simultaneously retaining your sense of individuality and respecting your lover's their sense of self. Do you know those couples who are constantly joined at the hip and who act all cutesy and cuddly? Yeah? Don't be that couple. It's sickening and they are trying to's all a facade. Instead, just try to find that right balance and dance that dance of romance! (oooh, that rhymed!!!)

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