Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tip #11: Special Days

Celebratory dates: sure there is always his/her birthday, anniversaries (large or small), Halloween, and even St. Valentine’s day if you want to fall into that commercial trap (I’ll have a special St. Valentine’s romance post in February)! No, this tip is to suggest that you get creative with coming up with special dates during the year that are dear to your relationship and that you and your partner can celebrate together. For example, you could celebrate Full Moon nights every 27.3 days; make an even bigger deal out of it when it is a Blue Moon (did you know that a blue moon is when there are two full moons in one month?); or maybe you might want to acknowledge a favorite Goth icon’s Birthday or Deathday in a special way (see for these dates); or even better yet, start a special yearly, monthly, or even weekly holiday that only both of you invent and enjoy together! The bottom line here is that you and your partner spend time ritualistically appreciating a special event together.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day-Crawlers in the Mist -- Part IV

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

(Original post date: 3/1/10)
Blimey! My Day-Crawling field research almost proved disastrous for me the other night when I foolishly parked myself within striking distance near an elusive and dangerous Day Crawler creature known commonly among them as a Cougar! Here’s what happened…

Just the other night, out of shear boredom, I ventured to the familiar watering-hole at the Times Square W Hotel’s lobby bar to immerse myself within this migratory herd that have taken rest here for the night. As I reached the floor of the lobby bar and the elevator doors ‘ding-ed’ open, my ears were flooded by the sound of a massive herd of day-Crawlers. It was quite deafening really. I braved onward. All the habitual pack members were present: the Alpha-males, the cunning females, the suits, the wide eyed foreign ones, and the rest of the herd loudly satisfying their thirst and socializing needs. My quiet corner of the bar that I usually take as my my vantage point was heavily populated and I struggled to find an open slot in which I could squeeze into. Quickly enough, at the other end of the bar, I noticed a space for me to conquer. I swiftly occupy the space without really taking into consideration who my watering-hole neighbors were. That was my major faux-pas.

Immediately I felt judgemental eyes upon me. No problem…I’m used to it…it just pure Day-Crawler instinct to judge me by my appearance. I calmly place an order with a bartendress and slowly open my notebook to start jotting down some notes. Using my keen peripheral vision I skillfully take notice that to my left is a small pack of 4 young males trying to impress two much smaller females. The males take little or no interest in me, and, a bit surprising to me, relinquish more space at the bar, in turn, closing in further on the unsuspecting females. I take a cautious and slight glance to my right and there she was…The Cougar!

Cougar was probably not the right word for her…mangy Bobcat was more like it! She was in her late 50’s to early 60’s, blond, dressed like any ex-hippie would (think jeans, a suede jacket, and beads), and was intoxicated. As I penned my notes on my notebook’s blank page, I felt her gaze clumsily trying to focus on my hands and what I was writing. Her gaze then combed me from head to toe in efforts to try to drink me in completely…as if she hadn’t drank enough already! I could feel the questions she wanted to ask me percolate in her mind.  She was going to engage me conversation, this I was sure of. I continued to write in my ominous looking notebook…trying to avoid eye contact. I then closed my notebook away from her prying eyes as I took a refreshing sip from my glass of wine.

“Excuse me, ” she started…”Oh, here we go,” I thought…”but is that a bible?” she continued.

“No…this  is my notebook. One doesn’t usually writes in a bible,” I pointed out. She wobbled a bit, tried to focus her eyes onto mine, and became rapidly fascinated with me and my actions.

I took a long scan at the rest of the room over my left shoulder, away from the Cougar in a tactful attempt to avert her gaze…I was also searching for another slot at the bar to which I could sneak away to…but with out any luck.  I could sense that she was again staring at my hands. I will admit that my hands, especially my digits are of particular interest to Day-Crawlers — I have long and extremely pointy finger nails, which are painted in a black lacquer, and my fingers are adorned with rather unique silver rings. So yes…my hands are interesting.

The next thing I know, this odd woman scoops up my right hand to have a close examination of it. All of the sudden I’m standing there with my hand in hers as if she’s going to propose marriage to me!  The most comical part was the bartendress’ reaction to this display before her! She gave me a quizzical and bewildered look, and all I could do was return the same.  Moreover, over the course of time that I was there, the Cougar did this odd behavior not once…but THREE TIMES!!!

I must digress here and give a very scientific explanation of what is a “Cougar.” The term of Cougar (Puma Sexualis) was coined approximately three to four years ago to describe a Day-Crawler female over the age 40 who sexually prey on males much younger than she. Technically, a Cougar is lithe, svelte, and quite physically toned to compete with younger, firmer females for the attention of males. The Cougar is adequately armed with experience, wisdom, sultriness, and the money of one or several ex-husbands, making her even more dangerous. The Cougar is apt in moving quite stealthily when seeking when stalking her prey, and no Alpha-male can tame her; plus every day-Crawling boy she successfully hunts down are left confused, drained, and maybe a bit more experienced.

Back to my ordeal: This Cougar is hitting on me hard! I try to make an effort to ignore her, but to no avail. She was persistent. After some back-and-forth she eventually and confidently asked: “Do you want to join me back in my room for some fun?” I instinctively answered, “Of  course I do! Sure…why not?!? Just give me a few minutes to settle my tab and get my coat out of the coat check. What’s you room number? I’ll meet you there.” She whispered the room number in my ear, gave my earlobe a slight nibble, and stumbled off to the elevator. I settled my tab…I got my coat….AND HIGH-TAILED THE FUCK OUT OF THERE LIKE A JACK-RABBIT!!! I literally flew into a cab outside of the Hotel. I escaped unscathed…but rather shaken. Beware the COUGAR!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Poem: The Gift of a Flower

A gift of a Flower was given to me,
A man, I was, without one, you see.
Her petals black, her stem so strong,
And just out of reach, for far too long.
This gift, I thought, I did not deserve,
But a place in my heart, she did reserve.
My passion attempted to make this gift grow,
For only a brief time, is all I know.
Suddenly my dear Flower had gone;
Like a dream, ruptured by the dawn.
What did I do, or what did I say,
To have this gift be taken away?
I stand, a man, with Flower no more;
Consumed by questions, and an empty core.
A gift of a Flower was given to me,
With never a chance to love, you see!

                                                -- Sir William Welles

Tip #10: Compliments

Compliments! Again, take notice of detail and offer your loved one at least three compliments the time you spend together (or on the phone/text), per day. Simple, small compliments are just fine. You don’t have to go over the top. However, if you really want to get through to some one’s heart (this is kind of an under-handed trick, but the results are pleasing to all) what you should do is to positively compliment something that your lover is insecure about! For example: she…uh…let’s just say: she doesn’t like the shape of her…uh…ear lobes. Yeah, ear lobes, that’s it! She always tugs on them or hides them, keeps looking at them in the mirror and sighing, or whatever. Then at some point in time, out of the blue, you say something like: “You know what I like about you? Your ear lobes, they’re so cute!” she will naturally return something like: “What? Are you kidding me? You’re just saying that! My ear lobes are hideous!” That’s when you have to stick to your guns and say: “No, they are not! Not at least to me…I think they make you, you.” Follow up with a hug and/or kiss. The bonus behind this tactic is that it will boost her/his confidence and strengthen your bond with them all at the same time. Don't believe me? Just try it, and see...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Tip #9: The Windows of the Soul

One of the most reliable, yet cost effective (ie. Free!), thing you can do is eye contact. Not just looking into her or his eyes, but really gaze into them. Lose yourself in those eyes! Moreover, spice up this gaze with several emotion laden squints, winks, sad puppy-dog eyes, worrisome eyebrows, and especially mysterious and sultry glances. Then, try to communicate with your lover by only using direct eye contact and facial expressions. If done correctly, after a few weeks of practice, it will seem to each other that you can both read one another’s minds by way of simple glances. This will elevate your bonded relationship to a whole new level, I promise. After all, they say (admittedly, I don’t who “they” are…) that the eyes are the windows to the soul…but it’s true!

Day-Crawlers in the Mist -- Part III

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

(Original post date: 12/28/09)
CRICKEY!!! You will never believe the experience I’ve just had last night! What a rare and fascinating experience! Let me explain…I was unaware, but fortunately privileged to observe a multitude of younger, more underdeveloped Day-Crawlers at a watering-hole which gave me much insight to the basic instinctive behaviors of this species. The research data I’ve gathered is rather staggering and remarkable in which I’ve concluded that common social Day-Crawler behavior is indeed forged at the 18 to 21 year stage of life! Let us proceed into my tale…

I arrived at a familiar watering-hole close to my dwellings at approximately 11pm last night (the name and location of said watering-hole shall not be disclosed here for legal purposes…you’ll understand why in a bit). I could witness from across the street that the establishment was thick with a vast herd…a bit unusual, I thought, but reasoned it to being due to the Sunday night ritual of watching a barbaric gamed called the “Foot-Ball” (which oddly enough hardly involves feet what-so-ever) on numerous television screens.
This specific watering-hole, being known as a “Sports Bar” usually tends to attract male Day-Crawlers seeking to witness male-on-male competition, which, in turn, attract single females whom feign interest in said athletic competition in hopes of finding a mate…a rather desperate and futile exercise, in my opinion. But this was not the case, I soon found out. No! As I approached the watering-hole I soon found myself face-to-face with an inexplicable hoard of under-aged Day-Crawlers!

As I entered I found myself pressing forward through a frenzy of bodies that have not yet fully matured, but find themselves in a much sought after adult environment (for the record I gauged the age range to be 18 - 23). Astonishing! What were the chances? This was maybe a once in a lifetime shot to observe less mature Day-Crawlers at a watering-hole which were gathered there illegally. Let me explain how this rare occurrence comes to fruition:

Usually, within this Day-Crawler age bracket, an attractive female will serve as a scout (perhaps accompanied by a small cluster of other females for maximum effect) in search of a watering hole that is rather lax in their age restriction/serving alcohol to those under 21 policies. On a Sunday night most watering-holes don’t bother to hire a Bouncer since most Day-Crawling revelry is ritually done on Friday and Saturday nights. Once said young Day-Crawling female has infiltrated such an establishment using her charms on either a doorman/bouncer/bartender, or all of the above if skilled enough, she will quickly use her technology to summon others of her flock to her location. Soon enough a swarm of similar males and females overwhelm the watering-hole and its staff…a sad sight, really.

I was forced to witness several of the bar staff struggle against the onslaught of rapid demands and ravenous appetite for libation! They descended on the bar like a fat kid on a happy meal. The bar staff (most of them good acquaintances of mine) were reduced to nothing more than drones trying to keep afloat among the chaos in which they swam in…they obviously weren’t expecting this…all I could do was watch in horror.

I pushed past the hoard toward the back of the watering-hole in hopes of finding a small cover of refuge. In doing so, I found two acquaintances that are employed at the watering-hole cowering from the invasion of young Day-Crawlers. Being Day-Crawlers themselves, this gave me great cause for alarm. I found a small 2ft. X 2ft. haven which seemed fortunate…but…unfortunately was situated directly adjacent to the male and female urination area! Now…whilst this might sound unsightly, it did give me the unique opportunity to witness a rather heated conflict between the young Day-Crawler sexes!

As I stood there, quiet and still, in my corner, in close proximity of the Day-Crawling relief sectors, I observed that the sheer volume of herd population was overbearing on the watering-hole’s facilities. Now, it is scientifically proven that a female Day-Crawler’s bladder is much smaller than a male’s, allowing for reproductive organs and such. And it is also architecturally proven that there are far more relief stations for males than females in any given establishment and/or watering-holes…a sad fact…but true…thus, the following happens:

Males have the fortune of relieving themselves less often and are quicker in doing so (thanks largely in part due to their ability to urinate upright, and their clothing are adapted to accommodate such practice), as opposed to their female counterparts, sometimes having to remove several layers of clothing and also taking extra care of hygiene, primping, etc. within an already restrictive area, hence a queue quickly starts to form. Sometimes small packs of two or three females will enter a small lavatory at once which sometimes adds to the time spent inside as opposed to lessening it in theory. Now, in this day in age, especially with the younger generation of Day-Crawler females, they are not so shy to use a male relief area if unoccupied and if pressed, tossing segregation to the wind. However, you will find that (and particularly because females tend to take longer) that the males become quite hostile to this practice…especially after ingesting several beverages, thus the conflict has been formed…and I find myself uncomfortably amidst this scene. I move to another perch…

I manage my way to the front end of the watering-hole with some great difficulty. As I squeeze through the swarm of young day-Crawlers I feel their judgemental gaze upon me, each commenting on my outlandish fashion and appearance. These adolescents know not what to make of me. They have scarcely ever encountered someone like me in their sheltered, trustfund-baby lives. All eyes on me as I make the long and arduous walk through the thickest part of the crowd where I find my new vantage point. Soon enough I overhear the usual comments and snickered insults. This time, for some strange reason, I feel rather boisterous and resilient to this pack…maybe because they are a lot younger, weaker, and far more inebriated than I am.  When I overheard someone whisper to another, “Hey, take a look at that guy standing behind you” I made sure to move in close and make strong eye contact as the Day-Crawler peered over his shoulder to take a gander at me . With me staring at them in this fashion he was immediately intimidated and diverted his gaze elsewhere. But soon something quite amusing happened…

It was approximately 2am when the Day-Crawling younglings started to migrate away to their lairs, and it was about this time that I felt comfortable enough to move freely about the watering-hole. As I passed by the last remaining pack of baby-blue oxford shirt and khaki pant wearing Day-Crawling males, a spindly, baseball capped individual voiced the following comparison about me to his fellow pack members: “Hey, look! It’s Professor Snape!” This particular Day-Crawler was in such ear-shot of me that he was almost shouting it in my face. I stopped dead in my tracks, turned toward his nerdy little frame, leaned in, and said, “Really? A Harry Potter reference? Is that the best you can do? How much of a child are you?!?” I said this rather loudly just as the jukebox music subsided at just the right moment for all his pack brethren hear me berate him. The bar staff, who is well aware of my style, began laughing at this Day-Crawler’s expense…as did the few Day-Crawling females that lingered. In an instant the spindly Day-Crawler vacated the watering-hole rightfully embarrassed and hopefully have had learned a lesson in tact and decorum. Truely a fascinating experience, indeed!

Until next time, my dark friends!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Tip #8: Planned Spontaneity

A wise man once said: “Planning doesn’t kill spontaneity…it creates opportunity!” While being spontaneous can seem very romantic, it is a knack that not everyone possesses. A lot of elements and variables come into play when trying to do things with your lover “on a whim.” Here is my solution: Planned Spontaneity! Sit down for fifteen minutes to a half an hour one night and jot down on a piece of paper at least 10 ideas of things to do with your girl/boyfriend “on a whim.” Think of it as planning out your next 10 dates. When doing this, think especially of things that can be done at the spur of the moment and that can easily accommodate both of your hectic schedules, energy levels, and affordability. This concept is pretty simple in the fact that what you may have planned out in advance, if not communicated to your lover until the very last minute will always seem spontaneous to them! Or at least will seem extremely thoughtful. CAUTION! Sometimes even the best laid out plans can back fire on you…try to also have a back-up or plan B!!!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Tip #7: Letters

This one is really important…and forgotten…The art of writing Love Letters! In this day in age, with all the emailing, texting, messaging, and twattering everyone does back in forth, the true art of writing and sending a letter to a loved one is virtually lost. And I don’t mean typing out a cheesy letter on MS Word, printing it out on your HP printer, stuffing it in a #10 envelope and slapping a “forever” stamp on it! No, I’m talking about the extreme old-school method! Go to an art store like Pearl Paints, Lee’s Art Shop, or a specialty stationery store and buy these things: Parchment paper, parchment envelopes, a good pen (preferably an old fashioned fountain pen, or even better still, a quill and inkwell), envelope seal wax (blood red), and a seal stamp with your initial engraved. Then you will take the time to meticulously write out a letter to your loved one that will express your deep longing and affection for them. Pretend as though you haven’t seen him/her in over a month and that they are miles away. Try also to also include some old-world vocabulary in your letter to give it a bit more authenticity. Now, sign it, stuff it neatly in an envelope, ritualistically light a candle, melt the seal wax, drip some on to the envelope flap, and seal it with the seal stamp. You might want to practice a few times on a normal envelope to get the hang of it. Then, most importantly, have it hand delivered, maybe by a friend, just like back in the day when valets and servants were commonplace. Take the time to do this often…to bring formality in your life isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tip #6: SMACK! (not Xris)

(For the men)Bottom line. If you hit a woman (or any other forms of abuse), you don't deserve love, romance or any woman in your life. Don't do it...EVER!!! And if I hear that you did, I will personally hunt you down like the animal you are! Grrrrrrr...

(For the women) If you are in an abusive relationship, try by any means neccessary to escape it. I know it's easier said than done...but it has been done before, and you can, and should do it!

Tip #5: Pay For Dinner

O.k., being extremely old-fashioned when it comes to romance and courting (dating) a woman, I want to make tip/rule #5 thus: (this being for just the guys) No matter how financially strapped you may be, or no matter what the arrangement you may have made beforehand…if you go out to dinner with a woman (those in a homosexual relationship, you're on your own here...) you WILL pay for the entire meal!!! No questions asked. Point blank. End of story. Even though our precious Goth scene is more of a female dominant culture, and not for the sake of coming across as a male chauvinist pig, believing that if a man pays for dinner he is entitled to some sort of pay-back, preferably in the form of sexual favors. Hardly! I don’t care what the arrangement is (unless, maybe, if the dinner is your birthday gift or something), as a man, you shall always pay for dinner -- no going "dutch" either, that's PATHETIC! The only thing you shall expect in exchange is to be graced by her presence for the time being. Even though I can feel a bunch of women shaking their heads in disapproval, this practice of providing food actually stems back from the caveman days, on through the age of chivalry, and should remain so right up to today…period! And to those ladies that disagree with me: Come on…admit it…you like not having to pay for a meal. ;)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day-Crawlers in the Mist --Part II

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

(Original post date: 12/8/09)
Ok…Field Research Update! At this very moment I find myself at the very trendy lobby bar of the W Hotel (Ha! W.W.! Eez mai hotelz) on 46th Street and Times Square…right smack in the middle of the bar as a matter of fact! The glasses of wine here start at $11.00 a pop! The bartendresses and waitresses are all aspiring or working models (dressed in an all black miniskirt ensemble with black knee high boots…which adds a nice touch.) To better describe how “trendy” this bar is, think any bar scene they show on C.S.I. Miami! The hotel clientele are, for the most part, a bunch of yuppies suit types and pampered shopping spree women who can afford a minimum of $500 a night (that’s for a broom closet sized room) to $1540 a night for a suite. This place is a Day-Crawler Field Researcher’s paradise!

Once again, I am totally out of place here. Judgemental eyes follow me from the moment I step out of the elevator — it’s like that first time you see Darth Vader at the beginning of the first (episode 4) Star Wars movie, when he boards Princess Leah’s ship (ok…geek moment over). As I glance around the room, peering eyes quickly dart away from gaze. The only two people who will lock eyes with mine are (not surprisingly) the bartendresses…one blond (whom, just last night, I’ve learned is named Jen)…the other a brunette…both fashion magazine cover-girl worthy. I, dressed all in black (duh), long black hair with a silver streak, black nail polish, lots of silver rings on my fingers, black eye-liner on my eyes (Guy-liner!) and a very peculiar fashion style, naturally come across as being some sort of Rock musician from out of town, staying at the hotel, hence, the service is 1st class!!! While others at the bar (sometimes two deep) wait patiently to get one of the bartendresses attention for more beverages, one lift of my index finger and a slight smile and my glass is refilled and a fresh glass of ice on the side placed in front of me without haste. The funny thing about all of these hyper trendy places is that there is so much emphasis on the superficial, that being the oddest duck in the room creates the biggest buzz. As opposed to the other establishments where I was perceived as some strange looking guy off the street, at a posh hotel bar I am perceived as something very different since I maybe from out of town (Los Angeles perhaps). So odd.

This watering hole, however, proves to be a bit more testosterone laden than the others I’ve been to, maybe due to the added pride that comes with a more well-endowed wallet, I am feeling a bit more hostility from the male side of the Day-Crawling species. As certain females keep glancing at me, as routine would dictate, a select few males keep making a point to accidentally “bump” into me. This, my friends, is a sheer test of my manhood in the world of the Day-Crawler. The males, feigning intoxication or clumsiness, will make it a point to push, knock and shove me slightly to try to get a reaction out of me. I can generally tell which ones are genuinely inebriated from those who aren’t simply because the ones that are will apologize after physically trespassing on my personal space, whilst the others who are taking an aggressive stance with me do not offer an apology, therefore testing me me even more. They are expecting me to react as they would and say something like: “Hey! Chump! Watch where your fucking going!” But what they fail to realize is that I don’t subscribe to that sort of brutish mentality…it is the same mentality that starts wars. No, being a Goth male, I subscribe to another (and higher) way of thinking (being French I often kid: *in a heavy French accent* “I am a lovuur, not a fightuur!”), so in turn I do not react. They continue to make slight aggressive “contacts” especially in front of the females to show that I can be pushed around, thus to prove their dominance. My presence at this watering hole isn’t to enter a competition for sexual dominance, but rather to just observe. Their game does not interest me, therefore I do not react, and soon enough they will settle their nerves and curiosity by simply considering me as being a homosexual…of which I am not, but what a great camouflage, if you think of it…and therefore I no longer pose as a threat to them.

I was just about to leave the W Hotel’s lobby bar after my 3rd glass of wine ($33.00 *Ka-Ching!*) when the blond bartendress offers me a 4th one…how could I say no…I’m staying (seriously, I am here documenting all of what is going on around me, right now…switching to present mode) a bit longer then. I am writing and making smalltalk to the generous bartendress when this rather aggressive Day-Crawling Alpha male keeps purposefully knocking into me…harder than those before…and making assertive eye contact whenever I periodically glance around the room. For some strange reason, he believes that I am a major threat to his manhood, although all that I am doing is writing (this) in my notebook. I sense a hostile encounter is imminent. The blond bartendress picks up on this vibe, gives me a knowing glance, which relieves me knowing that security will soon be alerted if this male pushes on. But now I am thinking (maybe because of a bit too much wine giving me liquid encouragement as well) I want to actually engage in this encounter…for the sake of Day-Crawler Social Science, mind you!

The Alpha male is merely a few feet away from me, courting a female. She is clearly not the most attractive female in the room, but since she is sitting, with her friend (also a so-so type female…Day-Crawlers all look alike to me!), between the Alpha male and myself, she has become the prize. The female, unbeknownst to the situation unfolding around her is merely content of all the attention she is getting from the Alpha male. Now, one of the Alpha male’s pack member, a very noticeable Beta male, joins the group directly situated to my right. The strategy has changed. He called in for reinforcements. It’s getting tense in here. The Alpha male continues to make strong eye contact with me whenever I glance his way…no doubt tapping in to his frat boy days…and, of course making a snide remark about me, which I overhear…something like ”Hey…look at that guy behind you…he thinks he’s the Undertaker or something.” (Great! A pro-wrestler reference…is that the best he could do?). But this move proves to be a bad decision on his part. You see, by calling attention to me in trying to mock me, he has successfully forced the to females to give me a good once over…thus allowing me to give them one as well. I offer a smile (it was painful…trust me), and they offered smiles back. The Alpha male’s tactic failed right in front of his eyes. I return to writing. The first day-Crawler female, as I saw during our very brief glances, has in her possession quite a remarkable ring on her right hand that is of an open black rose flower mounted on a silver ring. I wouldn’t mind having the same! I want to ask her where she got it from. Should I dare? What will be the Alpha male’s reaction to my intrusion?

I make my move…

I lean forward past her girlfriend and make eye contact. “May I ask you an innocent question?” I ask the female, kind of taking her by surprise. Alpha male’s eyes are on me. From the corner of my eye I can notice his nostrils flaring. Interestingly enough, Day-Crawler’s nostrils will flare open in anger to allow more oxygen to the brain which keeps it more alert. Anyway…I continue, “But where did you get that exquisite ring? I would love one like that!” The female, not sensing any outright danger from me, despite my appearance, hurriedly gives me a smile and removes the ring from her finger for me to inspect (I gather it is of no great value, since who in New York City willingly hands over an expensive to a stranger for inspection?), while the Alpha male and his Beta male are standing puzzled as the female and I gush over her ring and my blatant intrusion on their conversation. The ring is quite beautiful, but unfortunately she bought it when vacationing in the Bahamas.  Now, Since the female and I are talking about “Girlie” stuff like jewelry (she likes mine too) and shopping I come across as one of two things to the Day-Crawling males: either I’m a “fag” swapping jewelry tips with this female, or I am backhandedly trying (and succeeding) in having a conversation with her by simply talking about her interests and her details, and thus steering her attention away from them! It’s fun to see male Day-Crawlers completely confused…It’s like pretending to throw a ball for a dog to fetch, but you hold onto it in your hand. The dog runs out for a few second only to realize he’s lost sight of the ball. The dog turns back to you for an answer or clue to his dilemma…the look on the dog’s face is stellar…as are the faces of the two Day-Crawlers at this very moment!

Having had my fun, I bid the females and the bartendress a very good night, and I take my leave…laughing to myself in the elevator all the way to the ground floor and out onto Times Square…

To be continued…

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles 

Tip #4: Birthday Thank You

O.k., this is one of the coolest romantic ideas I’ve ever come across…and it doesn’t involve giving anything to your girlfriend (this one works best for men, but not necessarily, it can work for women too). Be prepared to earn a ton of “Brownie points!” On (or slightly before) your significant other’s birthday, send their mother (or both parents) a 'Thank You' card thanking them for their existence! It was due to her/them, in the long run, that your lover is in your life…acknowledge that. You should however have had met the mother and/or father in question before doing so…otherwise it might seem a bit creepy. Also, be prepared to up the ante the following year with a small and thoughtful gift along with the thank you card. Your significant other will be sooooo impressed by this, unless…of course…they despise their parents.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Tip #3: Candles

This one is very simple: Candles, Candles, Candles!!! Stock up on candles and use them…often! Have dinner together by candlelight (duh!). Watch a movie together at home by candlelight. Listen to music together by candlelight. Make passionate love by candlelight. Hell! Even have breakfast together by candlelight! Just don’t burn your place down. Plus, (bonus), you will save a lot on your electricity bill, and everyone (and I mean ev-er-y-one) looks better and sexier by candlelight! Tip: For great prices on candles search on Google for “Candles Bulk” and browse the various online stores to order from.

Tip #2: Flowers

Flowers. I personally find the giving of flowers a total waste of time, energy, and money! Why buy something that is guaranteed to die within two days? My Gothy solution: give murdered and mummified roses to your lover!

Here’s how to do it: Buy a dozen red (passionate love color) medium to long-stemmed roses…you don’t have to spend a fortune, just be sure that the buds are well formed and tight. Take a long length of string and tie it to the end of each rose stem. Then, hang then upside-down in an arid place for about a week or so until they are fully dead and dry. After you’ve so cruelly killed these roses, take each one down very carefully (they are very brittle) and then generously spray them from tip to tip with hairspray. Yup, hairspray! This will preserve them for quite some time to come. Again, be careful when transporting said very fragile mummified roses.

Day-Crawlers in the Mist -- PART I

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

(Original post date: 12/7/09)
Lately, I’ve been losing myself and immersing myself in the Day-Crawling social scene, not unlike Jane Goodall living amongst the Gorillas for many years studying their bizarre, yet fascinating, behaviours and rituals. I feel as though I should be wearing khakis, sporting a pith helmet, speak in an Australian accent and have my own nature show on Animal Planet! As a social experiment I’ve been spending some time in rather “mainstream” bars and clubs to observe and collect data, all the while still dressed as my usual Gothy self. Let me tell you, it was quite an adventure!

Usually, the first thing that happens when I walk into one of these more “normal” establishment, looking the way I do, is that all eyes turn on me, drinking in the sight of me. I can sense the patrons, men and women alike, thinking to themselves: “Where the fuck did he come from?” I pay no mind to the stares. I understand that I am intruding on their territory. I remain confident, yet vigil, as I walk directly to the bar.

Very quickly I establish a friendly bond with one of the bartenders by tipping them very well as I am accustomed to doing on a regular basis, being that I tend bar myself on occasion. Within the Day-Crawler bar ecosystem the bartender(s) will be your best ally, next to the doorman/bouncer, in affirming a trust with the natives; you seem a bit more accepted. If the bar staff does not warm up to you within the first few visits, you are definitely are in hostile territory and should move along.

Soon after I order my ceremonial glass of white wine with a glass of ice on the side (thank you very much), I take notice that the Day-Crawlers are still leering at me but now have started whispering snide remarks about my appearance to one another. A slight smirk always curls on my lips at this moment. It becomes quite comical how Day-Crawlers think that since I live a different lifestyle from them, that I don’t understand their language and mode of communication. Plus I have impeccable hearing. I hear all of the snarky comments ranging from “Halloween isn’t for X amount of months!” to “Look! Count Dracula just walked in!” and everything in between. I brush these remarks off. I know that they are said as an immediate defensive response to my presence. You see, Day-Crawlers will mock that which is strange or unknown to them with their peers as to show no fear and a dominant position. The interesting thing to note here is that these comments where generally stated by the male Day-Crawlers when I intruded in their territory; however, if I were a female researcher, it would have been the female Day-Crawlers making the catty remarks. This is derived by the threat of sexual competition within a social environment. So, by this time, as I quietly sipped my drink at the watering hole, observing, I still hear the snorts, grunts, and chuckles at my expense from the males. At the same time, I also notice the females giving me quick glances and subtle eye contact. Within the herd of college kids, yuppies, and hipsters I am something definitely strange and alien to them…but I am also very different from the mundane norm they are accustomed to, and that sets me apart. Again, the males perceive me as a threat to there ongoing competition over impressing and eventually mating with the females of the herd. My interest lies solely on my research, and my beverage.

Now, most of you who know me knows that I am never seen without my handcrafted black leather covered notebook…I constantly joke that it is my ‘man-purse.’ After a while in the field I generally have to take notes, so I flip open my notebook and start jotting down some data. This simple action systematically proves to be very intriguing (even startling) to Day-Crawlers! At first glance the natives speculate that my notebook is some sort of satanic bible or a Necronomicon, but my writing words on a blank piece of paper, aided by a single pen, simply mystifies them! The question: “What is he writing in that evil looking book?” is consistently painted on their faces. Am I writing a book? A poem? A shopping list? Plans for Armageddon? Or all of the above? After some time of puzzlement, one of the Day-Crawlers that is clearly more brave than the rest of the herd (interestingly enough, a female, more often than not) will cautiously approach me and delicately ask me the universal question that we Goths tend to roll our eyes at: “Excuse me…can I ask you a question?” (and proper grammar dictates that it should be poised: “Excuse me…MAY I ask you a question?”)

In the back of my mind I am thinking, “Oh great! Here it comes!” but making verbal contact with a Day-Crawler, especially a female of the species, can be tricky and should be handled with great care and expertise. This daring and inquisitive creature has broken away from one of two likely “packs” to ask me this question. She has either emerged from a group of friends huddled together, staring and giggling while witnessing our interaction, or she has broken away from her (potential) mate in order to ask me “the question.” The latter instance is, without a doubt, the more dangerous of the two scenarios. The male will be quick to feel threatened by his female’s impulsive act of approaching me to feed her inquisitive nature. His simple mind will start to worry weather or not she will find me more interesting, and therefore more sexually appealing, than he. Depending on the individual male in this situation, the outcome could play itself out rather smoothly, or go horribly wrong if the male throws a fit of rage and stomps over to retrieve his female. Even more perilous is if said male is accompanied by other males from his pack. I am happy to report that whilst I had many such encounters, I have yet not experienced a physical attack by any Day-Crawlers…again, it’s good to befriend the bar staff early on.

In the first scenario, with the giggling friends, I am reminded of this one time in my habitual Day-Crawling watering hole where I was simply reading the novel ‘Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil’ , when a female Day-Crawler belonging to an amateur athletic team pack shyly crept up to me and asked: “Excuse me…Can I ask you a question?” Feeling rather snarky, I responded, “you just did…” She did not understand the joke. I didn’t press on it. “Never mind. What would you like to ask me?” Now, keep in mind, whenever a Day-Crawler approaches you and asks this introductory question, you have to be prepared to hear all sorts of moronic inquiries. Following is a sampling list of some questions I have had to endure over the past years of my field research:

“Are you a Vampire?” (always a favorite)

“What branch of Orthodox are you?”

"What do you practice?"

“Do you work in a funeral home? (I wish)

“Are you a magician?” (Presto!)

“Are you an opera singer?”

“What do you write in that book?”

“Is that a bible?”

“Are you in a rock band?”

“Why so Dark?”

“Where do you work where you have to dress up like that?”

“Why are you dressed like that?”

“Are you a Satanist?”

And so on…

But this one particular female asked of me this: “If you don’t mind me asking, but what is it you are reading?” I tried to play a guessing game with her but to no avail. I soon showed her the cover of the novel. She was clearly disappointed that it wasn’t something like ‘How to Suck Blood for Dummies’ or the like. This odd female then proceeded to confess to me that her sports clan had dared/bet her to approach me and make contact in the effort to find out what type of reading material I was intensively focused on. Really? Moreover, to solidify the bet toward her behalf, she pleaded with me to go over to her pack and show them the book as proof of our communication. To further my research on Day-Crawler behavior, and at the expense of being put on display, I complied and walked over to their table and was promptly introduced to the entire pack…and felt as though I was solely there for their amusement. The first female insisted that I join their pack for some beverages, to which I quickly, yet politely, declined, stating that I only came in for a glass of wine and some quiet time to read my book. I excused myself and returned to my habitual far corner of the bar. Moments later, the same female comes back to my side of the bar and, maybe because she felt I was put on the spot, kindly offered to to buy me my next glass of wine. What unusual behavior! She again asks several times more if I would like to join her with the others. I again politely refuse. But, with the gift offering of the next drink comes the automatic assumption of the right to communicate freely with the recipient of said gift gesture…something that is a very widely practiced technique of Day-Crawling males when prowling for potential mates. I was fascinated! Here was a female Day-Crawler, maybe fueled by liquid encouragement, using an aggressive male mating ritual in order to prolong a conversation with me! For the interest of Science I let her continue with the prodding and probing questions. Rather directly she was asking me quite personal and intimate inquiries such as: “What type of girl is your type?” and “Are you available?” The communication session quickly became uncomfortable for me and I was forced to tactfully put an end to it by using the excuse of my wish to continue to read in tranquility. She obliged, but was rather cold toward me as she and her pack finally migrated away from the watering hole. All of this was deliciously fascinating to me! What an experience!

 But back to my field research: As I was saying before, a female Day-Crawler will eventually brave to inquire about my actions and/or appearance. More often than not if I quite frankly answer the question at hand the female’s inquisitive nature will become satisfied and she will simply to her pack/mate to describe the encounter. On certain occasions, not unlike the instance I just mentioned, a female Day-Crawler will press on with a full conversation perhaps motivated by the thrill of pushing the envelope of having further contact with someone who clearly does not fit into their social realm, thus impressing/enraging their pack/mate; by genuinely being interested in my choice of lifestyle (I have actually turned 4 Day-Crawling females and 2 Day-Crawling males onto the Goth Culture in this manner!); or for the third reason…which alarms me the most…that she (or he) is…dare I say it…a…”Fan-pire!!!”  *GASP!!!*

See you in the Dark!
Sir William “hiding in the brush” Welles

Tip #1: Pay Attention!

The first and foremost rule of romance is to pay meticulous attention to detail! Favorite color (Ha! Black! That one’s easy!), favorite author, favorite color other than black, favorite band, clothing/accessory sizes, special dates, likes, dislikes, etc.. this is what dating is all about! When going out to dinner, movie, club, with a date it is designed specifically to spend time together, engaged in a mutual activity and be able to explore one another through conversation and body language. Every time you hear your significant other say he or she likes something (or doesn't like something…you can use that info in a funny, sarcastic way) and then find a creative way to incorporate that into a gift, event, or occasion later. The attention, and especially the remembering of said detail is always appreciated...especially when the amount of time between is very vast. This principle is the essence behind the saying: "It's not the gift, it's the thought that counts."

This is a no-brainer. If you are not that skilled in the memory department, just jot down notes whenever possible…why do you all think I lug around that bible-looking notebook of mine?


Greetings my dear Gothlings!

Welcome to my new (and improved) blog, "Romancing the Goth!" On this blog I will offer tips and advice on romance and love as seen through the Goth culture for those that are in love, out of love, or looking for love. I will also be continuing my in-depth field research reports on the mating rituals of individuals in the mainstream/mundane culture, entitled: "Day-Crawlers in the Mist."

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Sir William! What the hell do you know about romance? You're not don't even have a steady girlfriend...and your previous relationships were less than stellar!" Precisely!!! It is because of these very reasons that I can offer a fresh perspective on this subject matter. Moreover, aside from being a Goth, I am a proud Frenchman [insert stupid anti-French joke here]...this romance stuff courses through my veins, as abundantly as French wine does! Plus, the core of Goth romanticism is the act of pining for love or pining for the love of a certain person, it is where "dark romance" is at its most heightened state...and that is where I find myself at this very moment....and prancing around like a cad or rake is fun too! ;)

Now, what this blog is NOT is a tip source for "guys" trying to "score" with "girlz." And while it might seem, through my posts, that I'm directing the advice mainly toward men, it's simply because usually it is the males that have some trouble or lack of creativity in this region -- although we Goths are all very creative! The tips, advice, and suggestions certainly can be used by either gender, know...physical issues arise. *giggle*

One of the most wonderful aspects of Goth culture is that, as a whole, it is a very matriarchal structured culture, that is to say, woman are dominant, if not equal, to men. This is practically found nowhere else aside from some distant tribes in Africa and South America. Take example the Hip-hop you think women hold a powerful position there? Maybe some, yes...but not much ( had to be said). So, what does that mean here? First, it is not uncommon to find in the Goth culture that it is the woman who chooses who to see, date, or get naughty with. Also, (I am going to be blunt here) in this respect about empowered women, there tends to be a higher level of bi-sexuality among women in this scene...who can blame them...they're so damn hot! LOL!!!

But seriously, with all that said, let us embark on this bloggy trip! I hope that the information found here proves to be helpful and useful to you and that you enjoy a very meaningful Gothy romantic life (woeful or not -- I'll explain later). And if you have any tips or advice of your own to offer, please feel free to chime in!!!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles