Monday, July 11, 2011

Day-Crawlers in the Mist -- Part IX

Oy! You will never believe what adventures of peril I've undergone! I have seen things too horrific to describe; heard things too shocking to to repeat; tasted things to vile to recollect; and experienced things that, quite frankly, aren't allowed by law in over 43 states!  All of this transpired when I was lured into the Cougar's lair and barely escaped with my life!!! (cue dramatic music here)

At the end of my last Day-Crawlers in the Mist entry, as I was detailing how certain Cougars were employing Gator tactics to ensnare the scarce males situated around the the watering-hole, I was being approached by two such Cougar specimens. At once, both females situated themselves on my right side, thus pinning in the corner of my own perch, as they pretended to pay no attention to me as they circled. I kept absolutely still (I've heard that they can only see movement and they rely more on their sense of smell) as not to draw attention to myself. My ears picked up on their subtle, yet distinctive purring.

Within five deep heartbeats I felt the more brazen of the two near my right earlobe as she exhaled the following query my way, "So...Who are you?" Her hunting partner, without missing a beat, leaned around and playfully added. "Yessssssss...inquiring minds want to know..." (First off, let me stop for a moment here to state that the "inquiring minds" retort automatically dated her since it was a commercial tag-line for the Enquire Magazine from way back as the 1980's!) SHEESH!!!

Now, by this point, being a simple observer I would be searching for an exit strategy as to avoid any further interactions with such Day-Crawler specimens...however, on this night, for the sake of the Dark Romantic Arts & Sciences, I decided to push the envelope with these Cougars to better gain insight of their mating behaviour in the wild...especially when the pick of the male litter was so slim that they would dare chance to take an interest in me! A decision that almost cost me my life!!! (cue dramatic music here)

"I am...whomever you would like me to be," I returned. Both Cougars purr in delight and offer a slight coquettish giggle. I am left stunned by how simple that was. The first Cougar, the one who is nearest to me, is more interested by my presence than the second...this I can tell. I soon realize that the second Cougar feigns interest in me as to create the illusion of the powerful Day-Crawler male fantasy of two females sexually engaged with one male...something they call a "minahje-ahh-truwaah." This tactic doesn't work with me...I'm too much of a hyper-romantic, meaning that I focus all of my time, attention, energy, and emotion on one specific female at a time (crazy, I know!) The first Cougar leans in closer to me thus signaling to her partner that she is staking this claim as her own. The second, taking the hint, offers me a coy smile and turns her back to resume scanning the watering-hole for other worthwhile prey. Soon enough she off stalking the grounds.

I am now seriously alone with the Day-Crawler Cougar #1. I must at least get an identification of some sort.

"It seems that we are alone now," I state bluntly, "Tell me...what do they call you?"

" me...Brendaaaaahhhhhh," she offered with a deep and seductive sigh. I almost catch the odor of her last victim's flesh from her teeth! I smiled slightly and wrote the following note in my trusty notebook:
Cougar specimen shall be called: Paw-Paw.

To make a very long story shorter, Paw-Paw was some kind of insurance litigator (notice the 'gator' word embedded in there?) in town for a business trip from (ugh...) Southern California. Paw-Paw had short, unpolished fingernails and had green eyes. Paw-Paw was in her late forties and had on a wedding ring accompanied by her engagement ring. Paw-Paw was drunk and was very aggressive!

Within moments Paw-Paw was Paw-Pawing me!!! The odd part (mainly due to her drunken stupor) is that she was dead-set convinced that I was gay (again with that?!?!), even though I assured her that I wasn't at all. Meanwhile she kept repeating that I was handsome and shouldn't waste away my "handsome-ness" (whatever that meant).

Then, suddenly, it happened! As fast as a cobra's strike, here left hand cupped and squeezed my right buttock, and almost simultaneously and with deadly accuracy, her right hand took a firm hold of*ahem* twig & berries, shall we say. I jumped and yelped like a little schoolgirl from the impromptu manhandling (emphasis on the words man & handling). My hands instinctively rushed to the area of attack to thwart hers, but she was resilient, determined, and possessed viper-like reflexes...all the while keeping locked eye contact with me and smiling manically to show off her incisor and canine teeth!!!

Soon enough she relented her groping attack much to my relief; however, things were quickly going to take a turn for the worse...much worse!!!

After some more nonsensical drunken banter on her part, she starts lightly slapping me on right shoulder whenever I made her laugh at a stupid joke...which was annoyingly often. I have learned that Day-Crawling women generally do this not as an act of violence, but rather to use this tactic as a way to physically touch the person she is interested in as to further create a connection beyond the visual and the verbal...notice how I employed the word "Generally" before? Not with Paw-Paw! The light-handed shoulder slaps soon, without warning, turned into shoulder punches...then a couple to the ribs and liver! WTF!?!  Each hit boldly getting stronger and stronger as she laughed like a deranged hyena!!! I'm trying to shrug off the insane assault, and not to embarrass myself, but this was starting to hurt! I told her to calm down and to stop this playful (in her eyes) madness, while trying to retain some sort of decorum. I was replied with an open-handed slap to the right side of my face!!!

Do you know that sound effect they use on comedy shows and commercials when everything comes to an awkward halt and it's the sound of a record player's needle sliding across an LP? (Younger readers are scratching their heads in confusion right now...record player: look it up!) That was the sound I heard in my head. All of the sudden all bets were off and I found myself in very strange and uncharted waters with this particular Day-Crawler specimen...I needed, yet again, an escape plan!

Then, from out of the blue, next to me, on my left side squeezed in a young Day-Crawler Fawn. I offered her a nervous and sheepish grin (possibly as a desperate non-vocal attempt at a plea for help). She returned the smile and tried to strike up a rescue effort conversation with me by asking a question:

"Excuse me, but do you know if..." was the only words the young Fawn was permitted to utter before Paw-Paw leaned over and verbally slashed at her: "No! It's not your turn to talk to him! It's MY TURN!!! GO AWAY AND WAIT YOUR TURN!!!" My eyes were as big as a hippopotamus' ass...and with that, the young Fawn picked up and ran off as quickly as she appeared...dashing away any hope of escape.

By the time all of time this transpired Paw-Paws hunting partner (we'll call her: Fang) had unsuccessfully made her rounds throughout the watering hole and sensed that her companion needed a bit of back-up in dealing with me. Some non-verbal facial expression and understandings between the two of them set things in motion, and the next thing I heard from Paw-Paw was: "You remember my friend Kathy, right?" Fang catches me by surprise as she skillfully slithered behind Paw-Paw and situated herself closer to me.

"Hhhhhiiiiii," she purred. I felt a lump grow in my throat as I politely offered a meek wave hello to her. Was she as bat-shit crazy as the other one, I thought to myself? They had me, once again, pinned in my own corner like a hapless mouse. (How do they keep doing that???)

Now, I must interject here that Fang is far more sober than Paw-Paw, but she is determined to see the kill all the way through, helping in any manner possible. From now on they hunted as a pack of two! I stood no chance. Fang then seriously whispers in my ear the following statement:

"O.k....So it seems that my friend Brenda here has taking a liking to you, and I'll admit, so do I. So here's what's going to happen...Brenda and I are going to order a bottle of Champagne and charge it to our room. You are going to follow us up to our room so that we can continue this party in private and all get...better acquainted with each other. Do we have an understanding?"

The only thing I was able to muster up was a stupid nod in agreement as I accepted my fate. The Champagne was ordered...was charged to their room...I carried the three flute glasses as instructed...and we headed toward the elevators...

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