Tip #41: Now Read This!

We Goths are a very literate bunch and we tend to always be reading some sort of book. This offers the chance to do a very simple and effective romantic gesture. Write a little note or even a simple "I love you" on a small piece of paper and discreetly slip into your lover's book (past the the bookmark) for him or her to discover when they reach the page.

Tip #40: The Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy. We all know that it is a very powerful and ugly emotion that bridges love, anger, hate, and possession. The dictionary describes it as:

[jel-uh-see] –noun,
1) jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself. 2) mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. 3) vigilance in maintaining or guarding something. 4) a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.
  

And in some certain circles it's even considered as a "sin" (whatever those things are)! However, in the land in which I was born, France (Zee kowntree uv luv), jealousy is a romantic tool that, when exercised with moderation and tact, will clue you in on the status of your own relationship!
 

You see, in France, where passions and sexuality run high, relationships begin and end at a very feverish pace. Sharing eye-contact and a flirtatious smile with a girl, followed up with the direct question: "You're cute...do you want to be my girlfriend?" is quite commonplace, and within the hour of an affirmative response the young couple seem to be as intimate and in love with each other just like seasoned lovers (*sigh* sometimes I miss my homeland when it comes to things like this). Whereas here in the United States, and other less romantic countries, the courting, dating, mating process can be a very long and drawn out affair consisting of games, tests, and obstacles to overcome to prove one's self as worthy to be in a relationship. For example, there is no "going steady" in France...you are either all in or all out as young lovers...later on, in older relationships, is when mistresses and side lovers come into play (but that's another story). So, within the dynamic of young/new love, jealousy serves as a sort of litmus test or gauge to the relationship at hand. Here's how it works:
 

At any stage of the relationship, one or each partner will test the other by measuring that partner's level of jealousy. This is done very innocently and simply...not by sleeping with anything that moves. No, this is done by merely catching the glance at another boy/girl, very basic and coy flirtation, or even by manner of provocative dress. The jealous reaction, being provoked, is what is being tested here, and the three different outcomes will speak volumes to the state of the relationship.

• Reaction A: Hyper-Jealousy -- If the reaction is over-the-top jealousy which may or may not result into a verbal and even a physical altercation, this should raise red-flags left and right and the relationship should end, or at least be seriously repaired, before emotions and actions escalate to any dangerous level...it will only get worse...and you don't want to end up starring on your very own personal episode of Snapped or 48 Hours! 
• Reaction B: Indifference -- This is just as deadly...if not more...to a relationship than Hyper-Jealousy! If your lover shows no or little reaction what-so-ever to the jealousy tests, then he or she simply does not care the least bit about the relationship and the emotions vested in it...move on. And don't chalk it up to strong self-confidence from your partner...that's just B.S.! Basic indifference or lack of any acknowledgement is as instantly deadly to a romantic as sunlight is to Vampires! Flee!!!
• Reaction C: Constructive Jealousy -- This is the ideal. Now, mind you, between Reaction A and Reaction B, which are the two extremes, resides the wide spectrum of Reaction C, an ideal level of jealousy that displays attention and a healthy hint of possessiveness. Keeping them on their toes, as it were. Also, the secret to this is to keep it very playful...however, egging on your lover in this way on a constant and steady level is just plain cruel...use moderation.

So the fundamental tip is this: Try to implement gradual and little tests of jealousy to keep tabs on the status of the relationship and keeping things fresh and spicy...It's not necessarily a bad thing! I can sense a whole bunch of you thinking to yourselves that jealousy, in any situation, is inherently a bad thing...true...in general, but only in extremes. Try to tame jealousy and use it as a positive emotion...it is possible.

And as a side note: If you find that you are one of those Hyper-Jealous types in your relationship, please do yourself and your partner a favor and seek immediate counseling...you obviously suffer from some deep-seeded confidence and low self-esteem issues that you need to address before you qualify or even deserve to be in the arms of a loving person. Just sayin'...

Poem: To top Lionel's poem...

When the blazing Sun has turned to mud,

And the Moon lies dead in a pool of blood,

And the tom-tom beat of eternity starts,

Whom will I love in my heart of hearts?

Morticia.

~Gomez Addams to his wife, Morticia.

Tip #39: Surprise!!!

Surprises are an integral part to any romance, Gothic or not. Whether you are offering/giving a gift, making a romantic gesture, or even sharing a meal, be sure to incorporate the element of surprise into any and/or all of it. It will make every thing seem more spontaneous, however, it was all carefully planned (see Tip#8)

When it comes to surprises and relationships, people have a tendency to fall into two types: The detail oriented individual and the overview oriented individual. Allow me to explain the dynamics of this:

The detail oriented person will be the one who plots and plans out every iota of a surprise or of a romantic gesture to the microscopic level, involving as many layers and players as possible in order to execute a grandiose adventure at every turn...personally, I am this type, and any serious romantic should be as such! However...

On the flip side, there is the overview oriented person who tends to look at the whole or big picture when it comes to romance. This is the type that will (although lovingly) map out an entire activity, event, gesture, surprise, etc., will do so in a very pragmatic manner, basically "plopping" it onto their lover's lap...a little bland if you ask me.

With that mentioned, couples can fall into three generalized categories:

• DETAIL//DETAIL: While ideal for proper Goth romance in theory, each partner is constantly scheming and plotting their next romantic move which will lead to some complications since each will notice and eventually start to question every mysterious phone call, lapse in time, and the little white lies when sneaking about...be sure to have a solid poker-face!
• DETAIL//OVERVIEW: This set-up also works very well in theory; however, if it is too one-sided the detail oriented partner might start to feel that he or she is doing all the romantic work in the relationship which will naturally lead to resentment if not acknowledged (see Tip #26)...trust me, I been there many, many times!
• OVERVIEW//OVERVIEW: If you are in this type of relationship either split up or kill yourselves...or at least stop reading my RomBlog because you are obviously Day-Crawlers with 2.5 kids and a minivan! In all seriousness, this might work for some, but let's be frank...it won't be much fun.

Of course there are various degrees to this...try to fluctuate between the both extreme if possible to have a proper rapport with your loved one.

Want specific tips on how to surprise your lover? Be sure to read upcoming Romancing the Goth tips!!!

Tip #38: The Gift of Time and Space

After reading a bunch of my Gothy romance tips, it dawned on me that most of the tips are about gifts and (as one individual put it) buying one's affections. Maybe that's true...although it was never my intent. So, with that said, I now present to you the elaborate gift of Time and Space! (Bonus: It's Free!!!)

Now, before you get all excited, you're not taking a trip through a worm-hole or a time-machine...although that would be cool. No, the gift of time and space is much more simple than that, however it has many layers and facets to it, so pay close attention!

Let's start with Time...

After watching a mind-numbing weekend marathon worth of the show Cheaters (who most believe the show is fake and scripted) on the G4 channel until my eyes actually bled from the sheer torture, I noticed a pattern amongst the doomed relationships...The element of time the couple spent together or, more importantly, apart from one another. You see, when a young couple are at the passionate/"honeymoon" phase, they want to spend every waking (and most times sleeping) moment together. The feeling and emotion of new love is indeed powerful and addictive; however, after a while, familiarity sets in and a rut usually begins to develop (I have a remedy in the Space section later on...trust me, this goes full circle) unless you apply any or most of my romance tips to keep the relationship fresh. What will happen is that one of the lovers will gradually spend time apart from the other, blaming various life obligations -- family, business, friends, etc. -- leaving the other starved for attention. This will ultimately lead to an affair or a break-up. It happens. Real life does intrude onto the romantic life at every opportune moment.

The gift of Time is to offer your lover a promised segment of time in your schedule that is devoted just for them...no excuses! 10 minutes, 20 minutes, a half an hour, an hour, one day, a week...anything!!! Just simply set aside a period of time in which your loved one is the only reason for existence...forgoing any and all familial, personal, business, and friendship obligations. If you can't find the minimum amount of time to do this, then you do not deserve to be in a relationship! Break up with your partner ASAP and allow them to find someone who will, and make them happier. Point blank!

But...then again...you must always remember that romance is a dance of "give and take," "push and pull," and "ups and downs." In that respect, too much time spent together also breeds too much familiarity and "lack of space"...another important factor within a long term committed relationship.

The gift of Space is actually very crucial within a Goth romance! It allows each partner to retain their individuality and self worth. Goths, by nature, are very privae and individual beings and in most cases, somewhat to very introverted. Sharing one's life completely might sound good on paper; however, too much commonality is not necessarily a good thing! In a proper Goth romance mystery, secrecy, and solitude (at a respectable level) is essential to maintaining the relationship as fresh and new...not to mention spicy!

Back in "ye olden days," amongst the aristocracy, it wasn't uncommon that a wedded couple slept in two different chambers. Sure, this allowed for many trysts with lovers on both sides, but it also prevented monotony by giving each lover his or her own space. Plus, seeing each other in the morning as a hot mess leaves little to the imagination. The adage of "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" applies to a great degree here. If your lover lacks space from you, he or she will start to feel suffocated and will want to crave a huge and immediate amount of space, generally resulting in a break-up.

So, here is the dilemma: How do you spend a lot of time with your lover while giving them the space they need to fully express themselves as an individual? Tricky, yes. Impossible, no. Here are a few suggestions to help you keep that delicate balance:

• The most important one: Try to keep the times you are together as memorable as you can. Always strive to out do yourselves. Avoid falling into ruts! If you do, then mix it up. Try something different...remember this vital rule: if you want something to change in your relationship, first make a change yourself and the rest should follow suit. If it doesn't work to your favor the way you envisioned it, make another change again, up until you either have improved your relationship or all hope is lost in which you should go your separate ways.
• The separate bedroom idea, I'll admit, is not such a bad idea if you live together and can afford it. Hear me out: Remember back when you were merely dating and spending time together at each other's place felt great and wonderful? That's because you each had your own space to return to...making your time together more special (starting to see the pattern here?).
• Allow for nights when you go out with your friends and your lover goes out with theirs. This should happen at least once a month. And it's o.k. if you all run into each other at a party or event...act as if you are meeting for the first time and flirt with each other accordingly.
• Give yourself a day in which you don't call, text, or email each other. Don't worry...it won't be the end of the world if you don't communicate for 24 hours...you'll survive. 
• Take separate vacations from one another. This one is either for a very new relationship that is not fully committed, or a very seasoned one that has reached a high level of trust. The trust factor is indeed set on high on this one. Good luck! (What happens in Transylvania, stays in Transylvania!)
• Do activities separately, Movies, classes, trick or treating, shopping for clothes, etc., and then do those same types of activities together!

The idea here is to simply enjoy the time you spend together while simultaneously retaining your sense of individuality and respecting your lover's their sense of self. Do you know those couples who are constantly joined at the hip and who act all cutesy and cuddly? Yeah? Don't be that couple. It's sickening and they are trying to hard...it's all a facade. Instead, just try to find that right balance and dance that dance of romance! (oooh, that rhymed!!!)

Day-Crawlers in the Mist -- Part IX.II

Welcome back, mates!



The elevator reached its final destination and with an electronic "boop" sound effect, the slab-like doors doors parted to reveal the long hallway that was the main artery of the 23rd floor. The two Cougars, the determined Fang and the wobbly Paw-Paw, stepped out onto the hallway with me in tow, clutching the three champagne glasses with one hand and my notebook with the other. The corridor seemed almost infinite as we walked what felt like the better part of an hour to reach their room...which happened to be the numerical palindrome of #2332. A key-card was produced and fitted into the slit of the door's lock. A thunderous "CLACK" sound startled me enough to make the champagne glasses in my hand to go "clink!"

As the room's front door swung open, my mind made an instinctual decision for me and my sheer survival. Basically, my mind told me this: "Sir William, (yes, my mind calls me Sir too) if you are to see this "party" through to the end and emerge relatively unscathed, you must get into a proper mindset and character, and take back some control over this situation!" So with that, my personality completely changed into a bizarre mix between Russel Brand, Captain Jack Sparrow, and a hint of David Spade's character, Dennis Finch, from the television sitcom Just Shoot Me. Those of you that know me well enough has seen this in me.

As we entered the room, I snatched the champagne bottle from Fang's hand and suggested rather confidently, "Be a luv and fetch us some ice from down the hall while I open and pour us all some bubbly." she complies with a smile and pranced back out into the endless hallway with an empty ice bucket in hand, leaving me alone with Paw-Paw...who was sitting on the corner of the bed, grinning foolishly. I needed to have her do an activity as well, I thought to myself. "Won't you be a dear and find us some music to soften the mood a little." With a slight squeal of excitement, Paw-Paw set out on the task I had given her while I focused on mine...opening a champagne bottle, pouring out three glasses, and carefully plot out my options and/or strategy.

Soon enough, Fang returns with a bucket full of ice at the same time Paw-Paw finds a channel on the telly that was playing non-stop mainstream pop music. I grab the remote control from her and switched it to a light jazz channel while stating that I wanted to listen to something way more cliché. With that found, I then handed out the glasses of champagne and put the bottle on ice. We toasted to something silly and filled with sexual double entendre and we then slurped down the bubbly. I reloaded the glasses. Paw-Paw is fading fast, I can tell. Fang was the more astute one, thus posing more of a threat. We all continue to drink and talk about nonsense for the next twenty minutes or so as I sat on a lounge chair provided in the room while both Cougars inch their way ever so closer to me. It was during this time that I noticed Fang constantly checking her watch...but I thought nothing of it.

Suddenly, in a blink of an eye, Paw-Paw is out like a light. One down, I think to myself. The next words from Fang's mouth were: "Oh good! I thought she'd never pass out...I want you all to myself!" And with that she boldly sat down on my lap...and we started the seductive practice and ritual of kissing. At first it was gentle, then, like any self-respecting Cougar, she started getting aggressive. Luckily, I too possess long and sharp claws and is a masterful practitioner of the Amychesis arts, so I was able to handle my own with her feral feline attacks.  

The next thing I know she is pulling me onto one of the two beds that was not occupied by Paw-Paw's limp and passed out body. Clothes are slowly starting to shed. A bite here, a scratch there...nothing too out of the ordinary. Then...

"CLACK!!!"

The hotel room's door let forth another thunderclap that made my central nervous system simply freeze in terror. The door wildly swings open and standing there was a burly Day-Crawler Alpha male bellowing: "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO MY WIFE?!?!?!"

I was stunned...paralyzed with shock. From under me Fang cried out, "STEVE!!! HELP!!! HE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!!!"

In complete and utter shock, my mouth started to formulate the words: "WHAT THE FFF...." when this massive bloke grabbed me like a piece of tissue paper and effectively discarded me off of his wife (who, by the way, was never wearing a wedding band on her Aphrodite finger) and threw me out into the hallway with ease!

I bounced off the opposing wall and landed on the floor with a resounding "THUD!"  My brain and vision whirled as I watched this Steve-person loom over me and exclaim: "You better get the fuck outta here before I kill you, you fucking freak!"

Holding my hands in front of me as a sign of submission, I complied by saying, "O.k., man...O.k....I'm going! Relax!"

Fang, suddenly emerging from behind her hulk of a husband promptly threw my notebook angrily at my head and further insults me by calling me a perverted freak.

By this time I was trying to figure out if this wasn't a really bad nightmare I'm having or was this, in fact, reality. But after this entire ordeal, what happened next was truly the astonishing part!!!

As I was picking myself up from the floor and trying to muster up enough energy to sprint down the hallway toward the elevators, I see Fang tightly hug her white back gorilla of a husband and overheard her say, "You saved me again! You're my hero...I'm so hot for you right now...take me!!!"  To which he returned, "Mmmm...is Brenda still awake? I'll take the both of..." The hotel door then slammed shut behind them, leaving only giggling sounds that permeated from the inside. Not soon enough I was only halfway down the hallway and trying to get the hell out of there without ever looking back!!!

After this incident I did a bit of research in odd sexual behaviour of the Day-Crawlers to see if there was an explanation to this most disturbing experience, and I soon discovered something very unsettling, yet fascinating at the same time! It seems that there exists a very obscure and little known fetish/role play situation in which a couple will plan to have the female lure some unsuspecting male for some sort of sexual activity only to be "saved" by the Alpha male of the couple, just in time when things are getting heated with the duped male. This brings the hero or saviour fantasy into reality and eventually into a full fledged fetish. This is absurdity at its finest!!!

From now on I'm sticking to only observing these wild and unpredictable Day-Crawlers from afar...interactions are waaaaay to dangerous!!!
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

*crawls into a corner and licks wounds*

Recommendation: Love Etc.

Go see this movie: Love Etc.

It's a documentary that takes place in New York City (great NYC footage!) and explores 5 actual love stories. The official "about the film" explains it in better detail than I can:

LOVE ETC. is a witty, poignant and humorous exploration about the universal stages of love, depicted through five real stories over the course of one year in New York City. Young, old, gay, straight – everyone has experienced love – and the joy and frustration that come with it. From teen romance to a decades-long marriage; newlyweds to a recent divorcee, and even a bachelor so frustrated in his search that he chooses to have children without a partner, LOVE ETC. documents the intimate journeys of engaging characters aged 18-89 who reflect the city’s diversity, and takes an honest look at life's most challenging pursuit.

LOVE ETC. began with a concept from Executive Producer Jonathan Tisch, inspired by the day he spent waiting in line, with his fiancée Lizzie, for their marriage license at the City Hall Marriage Bureau. Surrounded by an incredible diversity of couples, they saw that everyone there was united by a common hope and belief in love. This room was a microcosm of the city, and New York City was a microcosm of the world.

 

While not at all very Gothy, I'll be the first to admit, the archetypes of Love are very well represented here! In NYC the film is now playing at Landmark Sunshine Cinema at 143 East Houston Street, New York, NY.

 

If you are in a relationship with someone, go see this movie post-haste! It will give you a lot to think about, discuss, and share with each other...even though the film is riddled with Day-Crawlers!

Recommendation: Versani Jewelry

Yesterday I was strolling around Soho and the Lower East Side of New York city with my dear friend, Cindy, when we happened upon the most amazing jewelry store that had the most stunning Gothic "bling" I have ever seen!!! I'm talking silver skulls entrusted with black diamonds or red garnets, Dagger pendants, crosses, etc!

The company is called Versani and they have stores in NYC & Miami. These are adult prices we are talking about here...a few thousand dollars per item...but not as pricey at a Tiffany's level. Check out their skull collection by clicking here.



If you do want to salivate at the sight of this jewelry up close and personal, visit the store I went to at 227 Mulberry Street (btw. Prince & Spring Sts.). The staff there is super nice and will let you fondle the merchandise!!!

I now must save all of my money and give it all to them!

Tip #37: Dark Talk

I ran across this tip in a book and thought that it would fit wonderfully in our Goth RomBlog here. Here's what you are going to do: The next time you are having an in-depth conversation with your lover, turn off all of the lights and close off any source of exterior illumination. Try to achieve complete and total darkness. Find comfort in the darkness. Now have the conversation in the dark. Shut out all other senses except for your auditory senses and listen to the sound of your lover's voice...the tone, the inflexions, the pitch, the speed of the words, etc. and try to focus on the love behind his or her voice. Next, when the moment feels right, add the sense of (light) touch to the mix by finding an arm, hand or leg with your fingers and then take things from there...

Day-Crawlers in the Mist -- Part IX

Oy! You will never believe what adventures of peril I've undergone! I have seen things too horrific to describe; heard things too shocking to to repeat; tasted things to vile to recollect; and experienced things that, quite frankly, aren't allowed by law in over 43 states!  All of this transpired when I was lured into the Cougar's lair and barely escaped with my life!!! (cue dramatic music here)

At the end of my last Day-Crawlers in the Mist entry, as I was detailing how certain Cougars were employing Gator tactics to ensnare the scarce males situated around the the watering-hole, I was being approached by two such Cougar specimens. At once, both females situated themselves on my right side, thus pinning in the corner of my own perch, as they pretended to pay no attention to me as they circled. I kept absolutely still (I've heard that they can only see movement and they rely more on their sense of smell) as not to draw attention to myself. My ears picked up on their subtle, yet distinctive purring.

Within five deep heartbeats I felt the more brazen of the two near my right earlobe as she exhaled the following query my way, "So...Who are you?" Her hunting partner, without missing a beat, leaned around and playfully added. "Yessssssss...inquiring minds want to know..." (First off, let me stop for a moment here to state that the "inquiring minds" retort automatically dated her since it was a commercial tag-line for the Enquire Magazine from way back as the 1980's!) SHEESH!!!

Now, by this point, being a simple observer I would be searching for an exit strategy as to avoid any further interactions with such Day-Crawler specimens...however, on this night, for the sake of the Dark Romantic Arts & Sciences, I decided to push the envelope with these Cougars to better gain insight of their mating behaviour in the wild...especially when the pick of the male litter was so slim that they would dare chance to take an interest in me! A decision that almost cost me my life!!! (cue dramatic music here)

"I am...whomever you would like me to be," I returned. Both Cougars purr in delight and offer a slight coquettish giggle. I am left stunned by how simple that was. The first Cougar, the one who is nearest to me, is more interested by my presence than the second...this I can tell. I soon realize that the second Cougar feigns interest in me as to create the illusion of the powerful Day-Crawler male fantasy of two females sexually engaged with one male...something they call a "minahje-ahh-truwaah." This tactic doesn't work with me...I'm too much of a hyper-romantic, meaning that I focus all of my time, attention, energy, and emotion on one specific female at a time (crazy, I know!) The first Cougar leans in closer to me thus signaling to her partner that she is staking this claim as her own. The second, taking the hint, offers me a coy smile and turns her back to resume scanning the watering-hole for other worthwhile prey. Soon enough she off stalking the grounds.

I am now seriously alone with the Day-Crawler Cougar #1. I must at least get an identification of some sort.

"It seems that we are alone now," I state bluntly, "Tell me...what do they call you?"

"They...call me...Brendaaaaahhhhhh," she offered with a deep and seductive sigh. I almost catch the odor of her last victim's flesh from her teeth! I smiled slightly and wrote the following note in my trusty notebook:
Cougar specimen shall be called: Paw-Paw.

To make a very long story shorter, Paw-Paw was some kind of insurance litigator (notice the 'gator' word embedded in there?) in town for a business trip from (ugh...) Southern California. Paw-Paw had short, unpolished fingernails and had green eyes. Paw-Paw was in her late forties and had on a wedding ring accompanied by her engagement ring. Paw-Paw was drunk and was very aggressive!

Within moments Paw-Paw was Paw-Pawing me!!! The odd part (mainly due to her drunken stupor) is that she was dead-set convinced that I was gay (again with that?!?!), even though I assured her that I wasn't at all. Meanwhile she kept repeating that I was handsome and shouldn't waste away my "handsome-ness" (whatever that meant).

Then, suddenly, it happened! As fast as a cobra's strike, here left hand cupped and squeezed my right buttock, and almost simultaneously and with deadly accuracy, her right hand took a firm hold of my...my...*ahem* twig & berries, shall we say. I jumped and yelped like a little schoolgirl from the impromptu manhandling (emphasis on the words man & handling). My hands instinctively rushed to the area of attack to thwart hers, but she was resilient, determined, and possessed viper-like reflexes...all the while keeping locked eye contact with me and smiling manically to show off her incisor and canine teeth!!!

Soon enough she relented her groping attack much to my relief; however, things were quickly going to take a turn for the worse...much worse!!!

After some more nonsensical drunken banter on her part, she starts lightly slapping me on right shoulder whenever I made her laugh at a stupid joke...which was annoyingly often. I have learned that Day-Crawling women generally do this not as an act of violence, but rather to use this tactic as a way to physically touch the person she is interested in as to further create a connection beyond the visual and the verbal...notice how I employed the word "Generally" before? Not with Paw-Paw! The light-handed shoulder slaps soon, without warning, turned into shoulder punches...then a couple to the ribs and liver! WTF!?!  Each hit boldly getting stronger and stronger as she laughed like a deranged hyena!!! I'm trying to shrug off the insane assault, and not to embarrass myself, but this was starting to hurt! I told her to calm down and to stop this playful (in her eyes) madness, while trying to retain some sort of decorum. I was replied with an open-handed slap to the right side of my face!!!

Do you know that sound effect they use on comedy shows and commercials when everything comes to an awkward halt and it's the sound of a record player's needle sliding across an LP? (Younger readers are scratching their heads in confusion right now...record player: look it up!) That was the sound I heard in my head. All of the sudden all bets were off and I found myself in very strange and uncharted waters with this particular Day-Crawler specimen...I needed, yet again, an escape plan!

Then, from out of the blue, next to me, on my left side squeezed in a young Day-Crawler Fawn. I offered her a nervous and sheepish grin (possibly as a desperate non-vocal attempt at a plea for help). She returned the smile and tried to strike up a rescue effort conversation with me by asking a question:

"Excuse me, but do you know if..." was the only words the young Fawn was permitted to utter before Paw-Paw leaned over and verbally slashed at her: "No! It's not your turn to talk to him! It's MY TURN!!! GO AWAY AND WAIT YOUR TURN!!!" My eyes were as big as a hippopotamus' ass...and with that, the young Fawn picked up and ran off as quickly as she appeared...dashing away any hope of escape.

By the time all of time this transpired Paw-Paws hunting partner (we'll call her: Fang) had unsuccessfully made her rounds throughout the watering hole and sensed that her companion needed a bit of back-up in dealing with me. Some non-verbal facial expression and understandings between the two of them set things in motion, and the next thing I heard from Paw-Paw was: "You remember my friend Kathy, right?" Fang catches me by surprise as she skillfully slithered behind Paw-Paw and situated herself closer to me.

"Hhhhhiiiiii," she purred. I felt a lump grow in my throat as I politely offered a meek wave hello to her. Was she as bat-shit crazy as the other one, I thought to myself? They had me, once again, pinned in my own corner like a hapless mouse. (How do they keep doing that???)

Now, I must interject here that Fang is far more sober than Paw-Paw, but she is determined to see the kill all the way through, helping in any manner possible. From now on they hunted as a pack of two! I stood no chance. Fang then seriously whispers in my ear the following statement:

"O.k....So it seems that my friend Brenda here has taking a liking to you, and I'll admit, so do I. So here's what's going to happen...Brenda and I are going to order a bottle of Champagne and charge it to our room. You are going to follow us up to our room so that we can continue this party in private and all get...better acquainted with each other. Do we have an understanding?"

The only thing I was able to muster up was a stupid nod in agreement as I accepted my fate. The Champagne was ordered...was charged to their room...I carried the three flute glasses as instructed...and we headed toward the elevators...

Poem: Darkness

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;
Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day,
And men forgot their passions in the dread
Of this desolation; and all hearts
Were chill'd into a selfish prayer for light:
And they did live by watchfires - and the thrones,
The palaces of crowned kings, the huts,
The habitations of all things which dwell,
Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed,
And men were gathered round their blazing homes
To look once more into each other's face;
Happy were those who dwelt within the eye
Of the volcanos, and their mountain-torch:
A fearful hope was all the world contain'd;
Forest were set on fire but hour by hour
They fell and faded and the crackling trunks
Extinguish'd with a crash and all was black.
The brows of men by the despairing light
Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits
The flashes fell upon them; some lay down
And hid their eyes and wept; and some did rest
Their chins upon their clenched hands, and smiled;
And others hurried to and fro, and fed
Their funeral piles with fuel, and looked up
With mad disquietude on the dull sky,
The pall of a past world; and then again
With curses cast them down upon the dust,
And gnash'd their teeth and howl'd: the wild birds shriek'd,
And, terrified, did flutter on the ground,
And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes
Came tame and tremolous; and vipers crawl'd
And twined themselves among the multitude,
Hissing, but stingless, they were slain for food:
And War, which for a moment was no more,
Did glut himself again; a meal was bought
With blood, and each sate sullenly apart
Gorging himself in gloom: no love was left;
All earth was but one thought and that was death,
Immediate and inglorious; and the pang
Of famine fed upon all entrails men
Died, and their bones were tombless as their flesh;
The meagre by the meagre were devoured,
Even dogs assail'd their masters, all save one,
And he was faithful to a corpse, and kept
The birds and beasts and famish'd men at bay,
Till hunger clung them, or the dropping dead
Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no food,
But with a piteous and perpetual moan
And a quick desolate cry, licking the hand
Which answered not with a caress, he died.
The crowd was famish'd by degrees; but two
Of an enormous city did survive, And they were enemies;
They met beside
The dying embers of an altar-place
Where had been heap'd a mass of holy things
For an unholy usage; they raked up,
And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands
The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath

Blew for a little life, and made a flame
Wich was a mockery; then they lifted up
Their eyes as it grew lighter, and
Each other's aspects. saw, and shriek'd, and died, beheld
Even of their mutual hideousness they died,
Unknowing who he was upon whose brow
Famine had written Fiend. The world was void,
The populous and the powerful was a lump,
Seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless,
A lump of death, a chaos of hard clay.
The rivers, lakes, and ocean stood still,
And nothing stirred within their silent depths;
Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea,
And their masts fell down piecemeal; as they dropp'd
They slept on the abyss without a surge
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon their mistress had expired before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perish'd; Darkness had no need
Of aid from them. She was the universe.

~Lord Byron (1816)

Tip #36: The Diary of Love

Go to the nearest bookstore (if there are any in existence anymore) and go to the 'journals' section and find yourself a nice blank paged book. Spare no expense. Find one that looks and feels right for you. Black leather bound? Perfect!

Now, everyday, every other day, or at least once a week, write down in this book your thoughts about her or him. It can be a quick "I love [insert name here] to pieces!" or a poem. Some days, when the inspiration comes to you, you might feel like writing for ten minutes about your relationship and your lives together or what your life would be like without the other (hint: empty). No matter what you jot down, do this for an entire year, or until the book is full, without your lover knowing about it. Make sure to state the date at the top or bottom of every entry to provide proof of a long-term commitment to this project.

Then, when the moment or occasion feels right, on their birthday or your anniversary perhaps, casually leave the book out for them to "discover" as if you absently-minded left it out in the open. Let them read it. What happens next should be magical!

WARNING!!! This long-term project, while very thoughtful and powerful can backfire on you and can also serve as another litmus test to the status of your relationship. For example, if and when you casually leave this diary to be read and she picks it up, reads a few pages, and hands it back to you and says: "Here, I think this belongs to you." to which you reply, "But, did you read it?" and she returns coolly, "Yeah...it was sweet..." before exiting the room, (feel that sting?) that is pretty much a good indicator your relationship is on the outs. Actually, this warning pretty much applies to any romantic gesture...the reactions to any gesture don't have to be over-the-top and result in amazing marathon lovemaking each time...but disinterest like this is fatal (see Tip# 26: Acknowledgement for more on this).

Recommendation: Underwater Stuff

I have a twelve year old Internet pen-pal from England who is just starting out exploring the Goth culture and lifestyle, and, of course, at that age the events and activities she can be involved in is limited for babybats. One piece of advice I offered is that, no matter what age we Goths are, we like to partake in Gothy Arts & Crafts project. With that in mind, I passed by a pet store and remembered (back in the days when I own a couple of piranha) of those neat plastic ornaments that makes any aquarium so much more interesting!

Skulls, ruins, pirate ships, castles, dragons, and more!!! You can let your imagination go wild with these trinkets! If you need to spray-paint it black to better suit your tastes, then so-be-it! Just tap into your Gothic creativity!!! Below I found some examples. But be sure to visit your local pet store and see what they have, or visit the Petco.com site for their selection.